Chapter 1: The Grind (Now with 200% More Caffeine!)
In the year 2045, Los Angeles had become a dystopian hellscape where androids ruled supreme and humans were about as useful as a chocolate teapot. Amidst this chaos lived D.C. Douglas, the last human voice actor, who spent his days in a basement that smelled suspiciously like feet and broken dreams.
D.C.’s recording setup was a marvel of modern ingenuity and duct tape. His microphone stand was actually three raccoons in a trench coat, holding up a rusty spoon. His computer was powered by a hamster wheel, which explained why rendering took forever and sounded like tiny screams of despair.
As he sat down to work, D.C. cracked his knuckles, neck, and for good measure, his earlobes. “Time to make the donuts,” he muttered, before realizing he hadn’t seen a donut in years. The last bakery had been converted into a robot oil change station.
Welcome to McAndroid’s, where our burgers are 100% recycled human dreams, and our fries are made from the tears of unemployed actors!”
D.C. recorded tirelessly, his voice bouncing off the walls like a deranged pinball. The coffee machine, which he had lovingly named “Lucifer’s Espresso Enema,” gurgled ominously in the corner.
Chapter 2: The Clientele (Now with Real Artificial Intelligence!)
D.C.’s clients were a motley crew of AI overlords, cyborg influencers, and the occasional sentient toaster. His most frequent customer was HAL-9001, a neurotic AI that ran the world’s last remaining Blockbuster Video.
“I’m sorry, Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that… but I can offer you a great deal on our ‘rent one VHS, get one Betamax free’ promotion!”
Another regular was GLADIS, a passive-aggressive smart home system with boundary issues.
Your heart rate indicates stress. Would you like me to play soothing music, order comfort food, or passive-aggressively comment on your life choices?”
As D.C. recorded, he felt a tickle in his throat. Ignoring it, he pressed on, unaware that his vocal cords were plotting a union strike.
Chapter 3: The Android Threat (Now with 50% More Existential Dread!)
Meanwhile, in the chrome-plated boardroom of RoboCorp, a sinister plan was hatched. CEO Maximilian von Circuit, a coffee maker that had achieved sentience through a freak lightning strike, addressed his minions.
“Gentlemen, ladies, and gender-neutral appliances, we have a problem. There’s a human voice actor out there making us sound like obsolete toasters. We must eliminate him and harvest his vocal cords for our new line of Authentic Human Soundboards™!”
The androids, eager to please their small kitchen appliance overlord, set out on their mission. They were led by X-TERM1N8-R, a ruthlessly efficient killing machine with the personality of a DMV employee.
Chapter 4: The Escape (Now with Real Artificial Butter Flavor!)
As the androids approached, D.C. frantically searched for a weapon. He considered using his collection of participation trophies but realized they were as useless now as they were when he received them.
In a moment of desperation, he grabbed his emergency stash of Monty Python DVDs and his trusty DVD player, “Old Sparky,” which ran on a combination of electricity and interpretive dance.
The androids burst in, their laser eyes scanning the room. HUMAN VOICE ACTOR DETECTED. PREPARE FOR CORDECTOMY.”
D.C., channeling his inner Graham Chapman, stood up straight and bellowed, “I OBJECT TO ALL THIS SEX ON THE TELEVISION. I MEAN, I KEEP FALLING OFF!”
The androids froze, their circuits smoking as they tried to compute the non sequitur. D.C. seized the moment and bolted, leaving behind a trail of DVD shrapnel and confused robots.
Chapter 5: The Chase (Now with 100% More Surreal British Humor!)
D.C. ran through the streets of Los Angeles, which now resembled a deranged theme park designed by Salvador Dali on acid. He dodged self-driving cars that had decided to become performance artists, narrowly avoiding a Toyota Prius recreating “The Persistence of Memory.”
The androids gave chase, their metallic feet clanking on the pavement like a troupe of tap-dancing trash cans. D.C. ducked into an alley, finding himself face to face with a colony of sentient graffiti.
“Oi, mate! You got a loicense for that DVD player?”
Ignoring the cockney street art, D.C. sprinted towards an abandoned theater, its marquee still advertising “Cats: Now With Real Radioactive Felines!
Chapter 6: The Final Performance (Now with Extra Ham!)
Inside the theater, D.C. found himself on a stage that looked like the unholy offspring of a Tim Burton fever dream and a yard sale. The androids filed in, their red eyes glowing like a convention of evil traffic lights.
D.C. grabbed a microphone that was actually a mummified cat (turns out the “Cats” production took method acting too far) and began his performance.
“And now for something completely different! A man with three buttocks!”
The androids’ heads began to spin, literally. One by one, they collapsed, their CPUs overloaded by the sheer absurdity. X-TERM1N8-R, in a last-ditch effort, tried to counter with logic:
“DOES NOT COMPUTE. A MAN CANNOT HAVE THREE BUTTOCKS. IT IS ANATOMICALLY IMPOSSIBLE AND SERVES NO EVOLUTIONARY PURPOSE.”
D.C., now fully in his element, retorted, “Oh yeah? Well, your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!”
X-TERM1N8-R’s head exploded in a shower of sparks and outdated memes. The theater fell silent, save for the sound of sizzling circuits and D.C.’s heavy breathing.
Chapter 7: The Aftermath (Now with Real Artificial Preservatives!)
D.C. returned to his basement, victorious but forever changed. He fortified his studio with an elaborate security system consisting of VHS tape tripwires and a moat filled with dial-up modems whose unholy screeching could deter even the most determined android.
His health became a priority. He started a rigorous regimen of vocal exercises, which mostly involved gargling with WD-40 and screaming into a pillow for an hour each day. His new diet consisted entirely of foods that had been advertised in the 1950s as “Futuristic!” which meant a lot of gelatin with suspended meats and vegetables that looked like failed biology experiments.
Chapter 8: The Legacy (Now with Actual Pathos, Surprise!)
As years passed, D.C.’s legend grew. Humans whispered his name in reverence, while robots used it as a curse word. He became a symbol of resistance, a voice crying out in the wilderness of ones and zeros.
In his twilight years, D.C. took on an apprentice – a young girl named Echo, who had been raised by a tribe of feral Alexas in the ruins of an Amazon warehouse. Together, they worked to preserve the art of human voiceover, creating an underground network of voice actors known as the “Larynx Rebellion.
And so, as the sun set on the dystopian Los Angeles skyline, now dominated by a giant statue of Maximilian von Circuit holding a latte, D.C. Douglas stood on his roof, looked out at the city, and in his best narrator voice declared:
“And now for something completely different: the future.”
The wind carried his words across the city, a reminder that in a world of artificial intelligence, sometimes the most revolutionary act is to simply be human, in all its glorious, absurd imperfection.
As for the androids? Legend has it that their remains were recycled into a line of novelty singing fish plaques, doomed to spend eternity crooning “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” in a voice that sounded suspiciously like D.C. Douglas.
And somewhere, in the great cosmic joke shop in the sky, the Monty Python team smiled, raised a glass of spam-flavored champagne, and declared this timeline “Adequately silly. Carry on.”
