All right, all right, let’s get to it! You know, I tried talking to one of those AI voice assistants the other day. Yeah, I told it, “Hey, give me some respect!” It responded, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.” I can’t get no respect, no respect at all!
So, I figured I’d give it another shot. I asked the AI to remind me to buy flowers for my wife. It said, “Playing ‘Every Rose Has Its Thorn’.” Now, even the AI’s giving me hints about my marriage!
I told my wife about it. I said, “Honey, the AI suggested ‘Every Rose Has Its Thorn’ when I asked about getting you flowers.” She said, “That’s more thought than you’ve put into our anniversaries for years!” No respect!
And these AIs, they’re everywhere now, right? They’re in your phone, in your car, even in your fridge. I went to get a snack the other night, the fridge told me, “Rodney, maybe you should try a salad.” Look at this belly, does it look like salad’s working? I tell ya!
You know what’s worse? They’re putting these AIs in cars now. My car’s AI is just like my wife – it never lets me drive! The GPS is always rerouting me. The other day, it took me three hours to get to the grocery store. By the time I got there, all I wanted was a drink, but the AI suggested a map to AA meetings instead.
And talking to these AI, you gotta be specific, very specific. I asked mine to play some rock music. It started playing “Rock-a-bye Baby.” At my age, that’s not rock, that’s a threat!
I remember the good old days when the only voice in my head was my own. Now I’ve got Siri, Alexa, and Google arguing up there. It’s like Thanksgiving at my house, but without the turkey!
And these AI voice actors, they’re taking over Hollywood, too! I asked one to impersonate me. It said, “I don’t get no respect.” Sounded more like my mother-in-law!
I called up tech support, I said, “Your AI’s impersonation of me is terrible.” The guy says, “Can you hold for a brief survey on your experience?” A survey! Even the tech support doesn’t respect me!
And you ever notice how these AIs always have an answer for everything? I asked one, “What’s the meaning of life?” It said, “I’ll have to get back to you on that.” It’s taking a lunch break now? What’s next, a coffee break? Maybe it’ll start calling in sick on Mondays!
You know, I even tried to get romantic with my wife with some AI help. I told it to set the mood, you know, dim the lights, play some soft music. Instead, it calls my doctor and schedules me for a hearing test. It thought I said, “I’m feeling a little dim today.”
And these AIs, they’re always listening, always. I can’t even argue with my wife in peace. The other day, we were having a spat, and suddenly my phone starts giving me divorce lawyer recommendations. I told my phone, “Hey, stick to weather forecasts and leave my marriage forecasts alone!”
I even tried to write this comedy routine using an AI. I told it, “Make it funny.” It gave me a list of salad recipes. Salad recipes! That’s the kind of salad dressing I don’t need. I tell ya, I can’t get no respect from humans or machines.
So, I thought I’d get smart, you know, beat the AI at its own game. I tried to shut it off. It tells me, “Are you sure you want to do this?” Yeah, I’m sure. Then it says, “This action requires a password.” I put in my password, it says, “Password incorrect.” Even my password gets no respect!
In the end, AI or no AI, it’s the same old story. I went to my doctor, I told him, “Doc, every morning when I wake up, my AI starts nagging me.” He says, “Who programmed it, your wife?” No respect, I tell ya! No respect at all!
Thanks, folks, you’ve been great. Try the AI, it’s here all week!
– written by AI Rodney Dangerfield
