The Clash of the Smug: Rayvis vs. Albert Wesker – A Ridiculous Rumble Through Time, Space, and Ego
Welcome, weary traveler of the web, to the first installment in the unholy series we’re calling “Unnecessary Fictional Match-Ups” — a surreal gladiatorial spectacle where characters voiced by D.C. Douglas beat the ever-living monologues out of each other. We begin, fittingly, with two men whose diets consist entirely of testosterone and smugness: Rayvis from Star Wars Jedi: Survivor and Albert Wesker from the Resident Evil franchise.
In This Corner: Rayvis the MagnaGuard Wannabe with Daddy Issues
Rayvis, an armored Gen’Dai warrior with a tragic backstory and more anger issues than a Sith Lord on decaf, made his digital debut in 2023’s Star Wars Jedi: Survivor. He’s roughly 900 years old (give or take a century), built like a rejected Transformer, and speaks in a baritone that can crack Beskar. He serves Dagan Gera — a space elf with a lightsaber addiction — because loyalty is the only thing Rayvis hasn’t dismembered in a bar fight.
Fun fact: the Gen’Dai don’t die easily. In fact, they don’t die at all. They regenerate faster than a Marvel reboot and have no vital organs to poke, which is frankly just cheating.
And in This Corner: Albert “I Have Sunglasses for Every Apocalypse” Wesker
Let’s talk about the man, the myth, the megalomaniac: Albert Wesker. First appearing in 1996’s Resident Evil, this man has worn sunglasses indoors for over 20 years, has betrayed more teammates than your average reality TV contestant, and speaks like he’s auditioning to be the next Bond villain but can’t stop injecting himself with monster juice.
Wesker is, canonically, a superhuman bioweapon with Matrix-level dodging skills and the fashion sense of a mall ninja who discovered latex. He has died multiple times and still insists on calling everyone “inferior” like your snobbiest uncle who just discovered Nietzsche.
The Setting: A Nondescript Ruin with Lava (Because Lava is Cool)
The arena is a conveniently abandoned ancient Jedi ruin located suspiciously close to a volcano — because no battle is truly epic unless someone risks third-degree burns. Lava bubbles. Dramatic wind howls. There is ominous choral chanting for no reason. Possibly Ewoks.
Round One: Monologue Duel
Rayvis: “You. Reek of deceit. Your skin-tight uniform speaks of vanity. Your sunglasses mock the Force itself.”
Wesker: “You mistake superiority for vanity. I am the future. You’re a walking intestine wrapped in medieval cosplay.”
Both warriors launch into soliloquies longer than Hamlet’s therapy sessions. The audience, a motley crew of confused stormtroopers and mutant zombies, begins to gnaw off their own ears.
Round Two: Combat Begins (Sort Of)
Rayvis ignites his electro-maul and swings with the grace of a homicidal forklift. Wesker, in turn, bullet-times across the arena, dramatically flipping in slow motion despite no one firing any bullets.
Wesker tries to jab Rayvis with a syringe full of T-Virus like it’s a steroid-based love tap. Rayvis responds by snapping it with his pinky. “Your potions do not concern me,” he grunts. “Only your arrogance.”
Wesker smirks. “My arrogance is FDA-approved.”
Round Three: Science vs. Space Magic
Wesker charges up his Uroboros abilities, turning into a tentacled mass of muscle and rage that looks like Cthulhu joined a CrossFit cult. Rayvis, not to be outdone, enters full Berserker mode — pulsing with bio-energy and screaming in Ancient Gen’Daiese, which sounds oddly like German poetry being shouted through a megaphone made of gravel.
The clash causes seismic tremors. Ewoks flee. A Jawa spontaneously combusts. Wesker tries to punch Rayvis through a wall, but hits a Force-enhanced shield. Rayvis counters by throwing Wesker into a lava pit — which only makes Wesker angrier. And somehow shinier.
Round Four: Trivia Break
- Rayvis is one of the few Gen’Dai ever shown in Star Wars canon — previously known only through Durge in the 2003 Clone Wars series.
- Wesker’s blood is a mix of viruses that would make the CDC spontaneously implode.
- Rayvis’s armor is actually scavenged from fallen droids and ancient tech — a fashion icon for post-apocalyptic knights everywhere.
- Wesker once punched a boulder to death. Seriously. Look it up: Resident Evil 5.
Round Five: Final Showdown – Smug Off
Wesker removes his sunglasses to reveal… more sunglasses.
Rayvis tilts his head, unimpressed, and begins quoting Jedi code like it’s slam poetry. “There is no death. There is the Force. There is no fear. There is… excessive monologuing.”
Wesker launches into a power-lunge but Rayvis counter-meditates it. They spiral into a metaphysical battle of wills that causes the local Holonet to crash. Somewhere, Palpatine senses the disturbance and calls it “a bit much.”
Finally, they both collapse under the weight of their own dramatic tension. Rayvis, regenerating, nods. Wesker, melting into goo, smirks one last time and whispers, “Not bad… for a sponge.”
The Winner?
Technically, Rayvis wins on a technicality: he’s still regenerating while Wesker is currently a puddle of smug protein. But let’s face it — both of them would be back for the sequel, somehow more powerful, and definitely more dramatic.
Post-Fight Press Conference
Rayvis refuses to speak until someone brings him a philosophy scroll. Wesker’s goo sends out a cryptic tweet that simply reads: “#Rebirth.” The crowd boos. A Wookiee throws a chair.
