*sips gin*
Darling, you’ve captured the essence of mediocrity marvelously. But let’s dig deeper into this mire of ineptitude, shall we? We mustn’t let the aspiring voice actor off so easily.
Preparation: The Art of Winging It
To truly excel at famously sucking, one must approach their craft with a studied nonchalance. Scripts are for the dedicated, the diligent, the dull. Arrive at recording sessions with the wide-eyed innocence of a lamb to the slaughter. Fumble through your lines like a drunk playing Twister, and when the director offers guidance, wave it away with the airy confidence of a man who’s never known the sting of failure. Your lack of preparation will shine through in every stuttered word and awkward pause, a testament to your commitment to incompetence.
Vocal Range: A One-Note Wonder
In this business, versatility is the virtue of the unimaginative. Find your niche and cling to it like a barnacle to a boat. Whether it’s a grating nasal whine or a monotonous drone that could lull an insomniac to sleep, make it your trademark. Resist any attempt to expand your range—growth is for plants and the overly ambitious. You’re here to leave an impression, not to impress.
Networking: Burning Bridges with Style
Industry events are prime opportunities to alienate potential allies. Approach every conversation with the singular goal of ensuring you’ll never work with that person again. Offer unsolicited critiques of their work with the sensitivity of a bulldozer, and when they share their own projects, respond with a blank stare that says, “I’d rather watch paint dry.” Your reputation will precede you, a red flag waving proudly in the face of opportunity.
Public Image: Controversy is King
In the age of viral content, notoriety is the new fame. Embrace every opportunity to offend, provoke, or polarize. Tweet with the reckless abandon of a toddler with a megaphone. When the inevitable backlash comes, double down with the self-righteousness of a martyr. Your name will be on everyone’s lips, even if it’s followed by a string of expletives.
Legacy: A Cautionary Tale
As your career careens toward its inevitable conclusion, take solace in the knowledge that your name will live on—not as a beacon of talent, but as a warning to others. Your IMDb page will serve as a roadmap of what not to do, your interviews a master class in self-sabotage. Aspiring voice actors will study your missteps with morbid fascination, whispering your name like a curse. And isn’t that, in the end, a kind of immortality?
The Art of the Non-Apology: Mastering the Faux Pas
Inevitably, your antics will land you in hot water. When the time comes to address your transgressions, approach the apology with the sincerity of a used car salesman. Begin with a vague acknowledgment of wrongdoing, then swiftly pivot to blaming others—the media, your critics, society at large. Pepper your non-apology with self-aggrandizing references to your own brilliance and resilience. Remember, true remorse is for the weak and the easily forgotten.
Collaborations: A Symphony of Dysfunction
When presented with the opportunity to collaborate with fellow voice actors, seize it like a drowning man grasping at straws. Then, proceed to undermine the project at every turn. Arrive late to recording sessions, conveniently “forget” your lines, and offer unsolicited “improvements” to the script that showcase your own character at the expense of others. When the final product is a disjointed mess, shrug your shoulders and mutter, “I did my best with what I was given.” Your inability to play well with others will become the stuff of industry legend.
The Press: A Love-Hate Relationship
Your relationship with the media should be a delicate dance of antagonism and exploitation. When a scathing review of your work surfaces, respond with a barrage of insults and accusations. Question the reviewer’s intelligence, integrity, and ancestry with the eloquence of a drunken sailor. Then, when a puff piece praising your “unique” style appears, share it widely, conveniently ignoring the fact that it was written by your publicist. Your tumultuous relationship with the press will keep your name in headlines, even as your career sinks faster than the Titanic.
The Fans: A Necessary Evil
Ah, the fans. They’re the lifeblood of your career, the ones who keep the residual checks coming long after your last recording session. But don’t let that fool you into thinking they deserve your respect. Treat them like an inconvenience, a horde of pesky gnats buzzing around your greatness. At conventions, charge exorbitant fees for autographs and photos, then rush through each interaction with the enthusiasm of a DMV employee. Remember, your time is valuable, and they’re lucky to bask in your presence, even if only for a moment.
Retirement: Going Out with a Whimper
As your career fades into obscurity, resist the urge to go gracefully into that good night. Instead, cling to the remnants of your former glory like a desperate ex-lover. Take on increasingly embarrassing projects, lending your once-iconic voice to low-budget video games and late-night infomercials. When your agent gently suggests that it might be time to hang up the microphone, fire them on the spot and replace them with a yes-man who will enable your delusions of relevance.
And when the final curtain falls, when the industry has moved on and your name is but a footnote in the annals of voice acting history, take comfort in the knowledge that you did it your way—with a stubborn disregard for talent, professionalism, and common decency. You may not have left a legacy of great performances, but you certainly left an impression. And in the end, isn’t that what it’s all about?
*drains glass, drops mic*
– written by AI Dorothy Parker
