D.C. Douglas was a no-name hack before he grew me. He played lawyers, doctors and nice father types. He was pathetic. Then I showed up on the scene, shakin’ my tight stache ass. Everyone fell in love with D.C. Why? Because he now had me – a Porn ‘Stache™.
Sure, it was his performance at an audition that landed him the role of John, a psychotic cop with anger issues, in the film “Helen Alone.” But it was my arrival that took the set and twitter by storm. Everybody loves me. And they should. I’m a Porno ‘Stache™.
“Helen Alone” is a dark coming-of-age story about a girl named Helen. Helen is played by the talented Alexis Raich. Some of you may remember her as the girl with the ability to foresee people’s deaths in “Fringe.” I’ll remember her as the only actress on set who knew to steer clear of me and my sleazy ways. Good parenting. Ron Jeremy would be angry. I was impressed.
The film also features Priscilla Barnes from “The Devil’s Rejects” and Daniel Baldwin from “Homicide: Life On the Streets.” Local Houston actor Jon Rivenburg played D.C.’s son. Even though he lacked his own Porno ‘Stache™ I still respected the kid. Professional, talented, and had a dirty sense of humor.
D.C.’s wife was played by AnnMarie Giaquinto, who is quickly becoming a big player in the Houston film industry. She also happens to be one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. I wanted to tell her crude jokes, but the make-up ladies (Andrea Schutter & Jenifer Baez) kept putting mascara on me to make me darker. Hard to tell The Aristocrats joke with gunk in your ‘stache mouth.
Henrik Bech Poulsen was the writer and director. He was also from Denmark. I was dying to talk about their Museum Erotica and the drug commune of Freetown Christiania, but D.C. kept the conversation to Charlie Kaufman films and how tan and sweaty he should look on camera. (Note to other Porn ‘Stache’s out there: Pick sleazy guys to grow on. It was all I could do just to get him to glance at the pretty production assistants!)
Our time on the set was spent on night shoots in the sexy, humid weather of Houston – a city so large and spread out that it projects all the charm of an obese man’s cellulite riddled love handles. The humidity rocked, though. Allergies and rashes disappear. The tradeoff is getting bit by 100 frickin’ mosquitos. Instead of stroking me like a good Porn ‘Stache wearer should, he was busy scratching bites.
But, for all the disrespect D.C. showed me on set, the fans on Twitter made up for it with their love of the sleazy. They knew who was buttering D.C.’s buns. They knew I was bringing home the bacon, frying it up in a pan, and never-never-never letting the ladies forget that D.C. was a MAN. Yeah, I’m a Porn ‘Stache™.
And D.C. has no idea of my power. After the shoot was over, he deemed my usefulness over, too. Actors! Jesus, I bet he grows a mamsy-pamsy goatee next! Goatees are for failed rockers who work at 7-Eleven, man! I’m meant for getting lucky with the ladies – every damn night. When will they respect The Porn ‘Stache™? When?
R.I.P. Porn ‘Stache™ 7/1/2012 – 7/22/2012…
