And this love is as deep as a sound bite taken out of context. As pure as any whisper campaign run out of a dumpy Texas stripmall office. And as sincere as a name like “Citizens United.”
Okay, so I saw the recent American Crossroads ad taking President Obama out of context and I couldn’t resist whipping up this response last night. It was written, shot and edited in a few hours, so forgive it’s warts, but enjoy the frog!
It’s been a long time since I tweaked any nipples, so please help get this baby out there! Tweet, Stumble, Fark, Fondle it!!!
The Curious Case of Karl Rove, American Crossroads, and Citizens United
Once upon a time, in the magical land of Washington, D.C., there lived a rather curious fellow named Karl Rove. Imagine, if you will, a bespectacled political wizard who could summon votes, conjure campaign ads, and whisper secrets into the ears of wealthy donors faster than you can say “tax deduction.” He was known as “The Architect” – not because he built houses, but because he built political empires (though if he had, they’d likely have tax shelters and secret panic rooms).
Karl Rove: The Wizard of the West Wing
Karl Rove first became famous as a behind-the-scenes sorcerer during the reign of King George the Second – or rather, President George W. Bush. Rove was the man who strategized, plotted, and occasionally pulled a political rabbit out of a hat (which, more often than not, looked suspiciously like a giant pile of campaign cash). While others were content to run standard elections, Rove liked to think bigger. Why settle for C-SPAN speeches when you can drown the airwaves in ads about taxes, terror, and how the other guy probably hates puppies?
Enter: American Crossroads
In 2010, after his White House days were done, Rove decided to form a little club. Not your ordinary book club or bingo night, mind you, but a Super PAC called American Crossroads. Imagine a secret society, but with fewer hoods and more spreadsheets. Its purpose? To take truckloads of money from very wealthy individuals and corporations and then hurl that money – like confetti at a corrupt parade – into political campaigns that would keep their taxes low and regulations lighter than a Monty Python swallow carrying a coconut.
The trick was that, thanks to some new legal sorcery, donors didn’t have to be quite so obvious. Their contributions could glide in through a network of entities and sister groups, sometimes with names as vague and mysterious as “Crossroads GPS” – which was not, sadly, a device to help the average voter find honesty in politics.
The Great Citizens United Spell
And here is where the great incantation known as Citizens United enters the tale. In 2010, the Supreme Court – wearing their best black robes and channeling their inner wizards – waved their gavels and declared that corporations and unions could spend unlimited amounts of money on political messaging, as long as they didn’t technically “coordinate” with candidates (wink, nudge, totally not coordinating at all, we promise).
This was akin to saying, “Sure, your cat can vote, as long as it doesn’t meow during roll call.” It opened the floodgates for Super PACs like American Crossroads to spend hundreds of millions of dollars on ads, robocalls, and mailers, all without donors having to get their hands too dirty. Suddenly, politics was no longer just about kissing babies – it was about seeing how many zeros you could tack onto a check before your accountant fainted.
Why It All Matters (and Why It’s a Bit Silly)
For younger viewers, here’s the short of it: Karl Rove was the guy who helped turn modern political campaigns into something resembling a Game of Thrones season – filled with big money, shadowy alliances, and lots of dramatic voiceovers on TV. American Crossroads was his Super PAC castle, and Citizens United was the enchanted scroll that let him (and many others) dump treasure chests of gold into elections.
Whether you see this as democracy on steroids or democracy on life support depends on your taste in political theater. But one thing’s certain: it made elections louder, pricier, and far more likely to be interrupted by a commercial about how your favorite candidate might secretly be plotting to steal your dog.
Final Thoughts
If you’re too young to remember, just picture this: Politics before 2010 was like a polite village cricket match. Politics after Karl Rove, American Crossroads, and Citizens United became a full-contact rugby game where the referees wear blindfolds, the players are billionaires, and the audience at home just wants to watch Doctor Who without another attack ad interrupting their tea.
